Social Etiquette

I tend to make social situations very awkward. I will bring up inappropriate conversation starters, and laugh to myself. I have been in school for 4 days now, I have already called my class "suckaasss", stuttered, told my teacher his class was boring (in a joking matter however then I had to explain that I was kidding because he didn't pick up on my sarcasim) which does not make the joke funny when you have to explain it, yelled in my class, told a teacher my friend likes him, called and left 2 voicemails on my teachers machine, pointed at people, apologized for yelling in class, had a whole convo about adhd sandwhiches, been stalked, stalked others, bought donuts for teacher, explained love life to teacher. (all different teachers btw) Needless to say I'm off to a good start.
I have 4 classes and in 3 of the classes I have someone who stares at me I don't know why they do, and then when we make eye contact they act like its my fault, uhm no you are staring at me remember? Or the best is when I catch someone looking at my boobs, like hi........this is cool? Like my bra?? What is the mystery of the "rush" whenever I am waiting to get into my class room everyone in my class has to charge the door as soon as it opens. Clearly you are going to get a seat. The other class isn't even out yet, but there we are taking no prisoners to get in the door! I admit I do hate it when someone is in "my seat" and that I want to hit them, but its not the end of the world. I feel like if we all made some kind of deal about seats this wouldnt happen, but truth is when there is a seating chart no one is happy, and you have a way higher chance of sitting next to someone who smells. Same with elevators......I am either completely silent other than the "uhm could you please press (#)" "thank you" (in the highest pitch possible) AHH how much does it blow when you are the button presser? SO much! its like no I didn't want this position I was aming for that corner (pointing for the furthest corner) I like to be silent on the elevator because I like to hear others conversations. "so and so slept with him and then his wife found out its such a big mess" Loves it! I mean not that people are sleeping with married people, but the gossip! I tend to chime in at times like this and say something like "please don't talk about my father that way" which is a huge shocker and then a lovely silence, of course when I get off the elevator I know they are just waiting with the "oh my gosh!" "did you know?" "no I had no idea!" I also like when I see someone who I haven't seen in a while, where its been so long their memory of me is questionable, and the self doubt sets in so I pretend like I don't see them. I hate running into people  especially when its something like I just woke up and decided I couldnt live with out juice so I run down to the store and of course I am in my most comfortable outfit which just so happens to be stained and holy (no not like jesus), my face has not yet seen a wash cloth or make-up and my hair is in some sort of bun explosion, when I see a hot guy, or someone from work or school. I am the worst liar, (when I don't need to be) when someone asks me something I do all the classic examples, I break eye contact, my voice trembles, my hands become very exaggerated and my face twitches. All of which I have exposed the world to so not only am I screwed, but guilty. However if I do call into work or school "sick" and I happen to be "feeling better" I will ask that you honor the policy of"don't ask don't tell"

Ew

The grossest stuff always happens to me, maybe not me personally, but I have seen some pretty gross shit! Example 1 I work in a psychiatric facility specializing with eating disorders, so there is a broad selection for me to choose from. Which is where I learn, see, smell some of the most icky things! I don't know if its because people feel comfortable with me or because I have some how gained their trust or what the deal is. However some of these things are not shareable because I have almost successfully blocked them from my memory. When I was in my first quarter of college I was an insane procrastinator, anyway it was the night before I had a HUGE project due and I needed a specific folder so I took a little drive to my nearest Rite Aid because everything else was closed by this point because the town dies at 9 Oh clock! So as I stood there with my 69 cent folder the old woman in front of me had a cart full of depends (diapers for old people) and as she started to unload them (the diapers) I started to smell this horrible smell.....ya she not only unloaded the diapers, but also whatever she had for dinner in her pants in front of me! No folder is worth that to me! I think the most disgusting thing is someone throwing up. I hate throw up with the same intensity as someone might experience toward public speaking. I hate the sound, the smell, the puddle of whatever they ate on the ground, if your in grade school the saw dust applied to the mess, the contamination everything about it! Now if its me throwing up (if I effing jinx myself I swear to god) the feeling, the taste, ew the sound of dry heaving EW! ok new subject before I throw up! I was on a shopping outing for the kitchen at work and one of the places that I had to go to was a health food store (its not like I hadn't been in one before its just I wouldnt normally go to this perticular one) So I was looking for whatever I needed for work in the refrigerator section when I saw it......COLOSTRUM! the hell is up with that. First of all mothers should be the only ones who have to deal with this second of all why the hell is it sold in gallon form? Do people just eat their cereal and think hmm "you know what would make this better? breast milk!" NO NO NO! it will not make it better. It looks like 7 layer dip in the bottle, and newsflash making it chocolate will NOT help you sell more! (I quickly hurried out of that hole and told my work that "I couldn't find the________" (whatever I was supposed to get) I have seen people pull food out of their rolls, not crumbs no no, pizza crusts, chicken bones, and other various food items. I was in a science class and we cut into the pig..........ew it smells, I feel bad for it, and cracking ribs makes mine hurt. 2 small lumps in my life named Ratty Boo Boo Cakes and Mr. Geoff (kittens) who decided to shit/piss (im not sure what happened first) all over each other in my car on the way to my parents house one time that was lovely, ew seriously I never wanted to have "new car" scent so bad in my life! More recently I got the pleasure of someone getting an emema and then watching her run to the bathroom, come out pull her shirt out from a weggie like situation, and then ring it out on the carpet :) that took the top spot for me for my most recent "Ew are you fucking kidding me" moments! So now that I have grossed myself out I think that I will go decontaminate my house! Normally I wouldnt dedicate a whole blog to grossness, but I just witnessed grossness and got side tracked enjoy suckaas!

DMV

First of all I'm not putting the Government down, but why do  all the DMV employees say "NEXT!" with that tone of (don't mess with me) pluhease you work at the dmv.....My 8 year old neighbor could take any of them. If you really hate people that much then why are you working at the dmv aka a people pleathera? After you go through the first maze of lines which is complicated by screaming toddlers throwing their toys at the back of your head, there is always someone in front of you who can either not hear or not understand English, which always makes things run faster NOT! Once you finally get your number you are faced with an ultimatum and you ask yourself "should I sit next to the man picking his leg wound?" or "the sniffiling congested children?" Have you ever noticed that all the chairs in the dmv are like airport chairs so they are all connnected? When you sit in them you can feel everything your row is doing, and if someones phone vibrates everyone checks their phone, and I'm always in the row with "Mr. Important" some hot shot business man, whos phone keeps vibrating and I keep thinking its mine so then I of course need to start checking my phone every minute just to make sure I'm still not popluar. I don't know about you, by this point I feel as if I am being watched by those around me, and I go into some kind of paranoid panic mode, the self doubt sets in and I am basically screwed until someone else does something to out embarrass me. So I usually sit there going through my texts 1 by 1 or renaming everyone in my phone, because just plain talking to someone would be way to much to handle. As I sit there trying to tune out the horrible smells, people spreading influenza, and the yummy sound of wet coughs (opposite of dry coughs and therefore 10 times as gross), this process is frequently interrupted by the numbers being called. No no the numbers are not called just 1 time. I love things being repeated (really I do!) no response.....2nd time no response......3rd time oh hey look at that NO RESPONSE! (I guess 3rd time really isn't a charm) 4th time the old man with the walker gets up and finally starts draging himself over to the window. I really just want to pick him up and place him in front of the window because I feel things would go much faster, however this is not socially acceptable so I try and refrain. Then there is the complete 180 of the old man walker syndrome. The sprinters wait there looking absolutely cracked out, they can't sit still and their eyes are buggin. You know when their number is called because they will stop for no one to get to that damn window! As soon as their number is verbally announced and before it appears on the screen they are half way to the window. Now once they get there thats when the real magic starts. They act like its some kind of pb (personal best not peanut butter :) ) and are slightly annoyed that the desk clerk has not acknowledged their new best. Lets be realistic if you are at the dmv often enough to time yourself and have a full blown competition against yourself YOU ARE THERE TO MUCH! GO HOME! How often are you really at the department of motor vehicles? I'm just saying these are the people we need to be watching, because at any minute the dmv will become their derby and a hostage situation will happen! Safe Sitting :)

Back To School

The first day of school has always been something I look foward to. Trying to plan a back to school outfit after countless hours of shopping picking out the "cutest" clothes etc. I honestly think that the only time I wake up before my alarm is on the first day of school and Christmas because I get that little kid syndrome where I am to excited to sleep, and don't want to miss anything. So being that my first day of school has already come and gone (so sad I know!) I am still on that first day of school high so bare with me..... I think that the first day of school parking sucks. Why is it that you and one other person are racing towards the same parking space coming from opposite directions suddenly turn parking into a survival of the fittest competition? Maybe I was raised old school maybe not, but I remember constantly having arguments with my mom over lengths or lack there of about my skirts, I feel this applies to shorts as well. I just like many other teenage girls wore them the way my mom told me to, but the minute she dropped me off and drove out of sight those shorts were rolled as far as I could get them, but then I got cellulite and decided the world shouldnt suffer my misfortune, now I just stick to regular length shorts/skirts. Why do girls feel the need to have shorts and then actually WEAR them out in public that don't cover their whole butt? Why do it? It looks gross, the only kind of people you will attract is someone who wants to get in your pants (which by the way you are making it very easy for them to do, due to your lack of pants.) I get it summer just ended and you want to show off your tan, but when I can see your tan line....not ok. Another trend I noticed today was neon hair? The hell is up with that? I get you want to be an "individual" or that your rebelling against your parents or that you "really do like your neon hair" NO your hair looks stupid and is burning my corneas knock it off! Those are just vanities that bother me, that in time I can look beyond, and get a feel for the true you. Which is a process because the "true you" doesn't even like bright colors and your room is pariwinkle!Some of my more favorite moments are the moments when I am lost, those around me are lost and I end up making like 4 new friends because we all have no idea how to get from point A to point B. Some other favorites are when you have someone in the class who misses all the social q's to stop talking or rasing their hand or is just being annoying, and the teacher is trying to be supportive and nice, but you can see it in their face and everyone elses that they all are thinking the same thing as you (does this person ever stop talking?!) I believe there is such thing as a stupid question and one of my pet peeves is people who don't listen. Example A. teacher tells says and writes their name on the board (plus its on the syllabus) and someone asks "uhhh how do you spell that?"
Some rules of thumb for a good first day:
1. shower-don't be stinky!
2. brush your teeth and/or have gum, honestly it is one of the biggest turn offs is stinky breath
3. if you do end up making awkward eye contact with someone- dont try to cover it up with something more awkward than the eye contact! because you will say something stupid!
4. pay attention and sit up front
5. be outgoing and not in your comfort zone
6. be nice nothing is worse than yelling (through your car window) at someone who "stole" your spot, cussing them out and then realizing that you are sitting next to them in class.