Social Etiquette

I tend to make social situations very awkward. I will bring up inappropriate conversation starters, and laugh to myself. I have been in school for 4 days now, I have already called my class "suckaasss", stuttered, told my teacher his class was boring (in a joking matter however then I had to explain that I was kidding because he didn't pick up on my sarcasim) which does not make the joke funny when you have to explain it, yelled in my class, told a teacher my friend likes him, called and left 2 voicemails on my teachers machine, pointed at people, apologized for yelling in class, had a whole convo about adhd sandwhiches, been stalked, stalked others, bought donuts for teacher, explained love life to teacher. (all different teachers btw) Needless to say I'm off to a good start.
I have 4 classes and in 3 of the classes I have someone who stares at me I don't know why they do, and then when we make eye contact they act like its my fault, uhm no you are staring at me remember? Or the best is when I catch someone looking at my boobs, like hi........this is cool? Like my bra?? What is the mystery of the "rush" whenever I am waiting to get into my class room everyone in my class has to charge the door as soon as it opens. Clearly you are going to get a seat. The other class isn't even out yet, but there we are taking no prisoners to get in the door! I admit I do hate it when someone is in "my seat" and that I want to hit them, but its not the end of the world. I feel like if we all made some kind of deal about seats this wouldnt happen, but truth is when there is a seating chart no one is happy, and you have a way higher chance of sitting next to someone who smells. Same with elevators......I am either completely silent other than the "uhm could you please press (#)" "thank you" (in the highest pitch possible) AHH how much does it blow when you are the button presser? SO much! its like no I didn't want this position I was aming for that corner (pointing for the furthest corner) I like to be silent on the elevator because I like to hear others conversations. "so and so slept with him and then his wife found out its such a big mess" Loves it! I mean not that people are sleeping with married people, but the gossip! I tend to chime in at times like this and say something like "please don't talk about my father that way" which is a huge shocker and then a lovely silence, of course when I get off the elevator I know they are just waiting with the "oh my gosh!" "did you know?" "no I had no idea!" I also like when I see someone who I haven't seen in a while, where its been so long their memory of me is questionable, and the self doubt sets in so I pretend like I don't see them. I hate running into people  especially when its something like I just woke up and decided I couldnt live with out juice so I run down to the store and of course I am in my most comfortable outfit which just so happens to be stained and holy (no not like jesus), my face has not yet seen a wash cloth or make-up and my hair is in some sort of bun explosion, when I see a hot guy, or someone from work or school. I am the worst liar, (when I don't need to be) when someone asks me something I do all the classic examples, I break eye contact, my voice trembles, my hands become very exaggerated and my face twitches. All of which I have exposed the world to so not only am I screwed, but guilty. However if I do call into work or school "sick" and I happen to be "feeling better" I will ask that you honor the policy of"don't ask don't tell"