Californication as defined by Urban Dictionary # 9.-Embracing the superficial lifestyle Hollywood projects. Doing so often leads to valuing the fake, superfluous, and materialistic things in life over what is truly important. What every socialite in the City of Angels would have you believe is the one true way to live.
I have never introduced myself to another person and said I’m from SOCAL! (ever) I don’t think of going to the beach as a day trip, but more of another Tuesday afternoon. I am very familiar with songs such as, We got more bounce in California, and California Gurls. I know where every In n Out is between San Diego and Redding. I overuse the term “bitchin” on a semi regular basis. I abuse my sunroof and have probably laid the foundation for some pretty good chances of skin cancer. During the months of August through November I consider myself on “firewatch” however my definition of firewatch differs from the local news reporters.
Firewatch (Verb)- in a state of heightened awareness. Hunting or stalking firefighters in the Ventura County region. Used in a sentence below:
The very attractive and single ; ) young woman is never really off firewatch, and is willing to do multiple rounds of speed dating at the station.
Despite what many websites say Blue and Gold are not the official state colors, blue representing the sky and gold representing the Gold Rush. Bronze and Blonde are. In representation of people who have never actually traveled here. The state motto is “Eureka!” although I am willing to challenge that to “If you got it flaunt it.”
Actual laws in California:
Men who wear mustashes are forbidden from kissing women. (that’s just common courtesy.)
No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour. (It happens more than you think.)
Permanent markers may not be sold in the city limits. This one comes from Fresno, CA. Funny markers may not be sold, but meth may be and is cooked.
Public Restrooms must be supplied with toilet paper…….as opposed to?
I firmly believe no one should have to endure a California Burrito. This is a lethal combination of carne asada, sour cream, steak fries, and of course cheese. All stuffed into a tortilla. If the inside doesn’t already look like vom. You will want to when your trying to swallow. One should however partake in the In n Out phenomenon. Your trip, tour, visit, etc. is never complete without this fine food experience. Secret there is a hidden secret menu. Another secret California Pizza Kitchen not all its cracked up to be.
California attractions I tend to consider on a frequent basis:
Going to a nude resort in Palm Springs.
Playing hop scotch on the Golden Gate Bridge
Becoming one at the Monterey Bay Aquarium
Going to Napa and racing barrels
Going to Disneyland with the Octuplets
Doing an aerobics video on Muscle Beach in spanx so I give the illusion of a lean mean fighting machine.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Monday, April 11, 2011
and the wisdom to know the difference...
Things I can’t help.
I cant help it if from time to time I feel the need to yell profanities at unsuspecting strangers, from the safety of my speeding car. That when I pass Wood Ranch I drool profusely. That despite my efforts my midsection has a mind of its own and has a tendency to migrate outwards as opposed to being more like a 180 degree line I yearn for. However I am willing to accept these.
Things I can help.
Thankfully I have a filter that modifies most of my thoughts. I can also help my breath in the morning with the assistance of mouthwash/toothpaste. I’m also good at persuading you in the direction I think would most benefit me.
Things other people can’t help.
Other people can’t help pointing out when someone publicly “messes up.” Other people can’t help the overwhelming compulsion to steel animals on Saturday’s from Petsmart. Other people can’t help having just one Lays potato chip.
Things other people can help.
Other people can help NOT sharing pointless stories during class time, and for that matter in the check out line. Other people can also help not being obnoxious at all hours, but more importantly the hours I dedicate for sleeping. Last but not least others can help others by sticking together like a buddy system to insure the system has a strong firewall against nonsense.
Some confessions I need to get off my chest:
I can no longer fit into 12 of my 15 pairs of jeans. Leggings, Jeggings, and sweats sound like a feasible option, but shopping sounds better.
I am currently going through a “anything Mexican Goes” phase. Food, language, sipping tequila, summer vacation packages, and unfortunately getting hot sauce on every white shirt I own.
I am experiencing a lack of motivation towards school, in direct correlation with the amount of frustration I feel when my alarm goes off in the morning.
I am unfortunately familiar with the locations of non 24 hour food establishments.
Box wine is still somewhat of a mystery to me.
I am not ruling out being Natalie Portman’s birth coach.
I think that steeling an avocado should not be a felony. (in the state of California)
I’m not one for spending much time at a Jiffy Lube on a Saturday afternoon.
I need a pedicure.
I aspire to one day rent a Honda Odyssey while vacationing in Maine.
3 remotes for 1 machine pisses me off.
Febreze Thai Dragon Fruit smells like Heaven on Earth.
There is a strong possibility that I have reptilian DNA.
I don’t like that we are limited to mechanical livestock, and I am pushing for mechanical small desert animals.
So in summation I feel better, and to quote my soon to be good friend Tina “This made no sense to me, probably because I speak English and have never had a head injury.”
I cant help it if from time to time I feel the need to yell profanities at unsuspecting strangers, from the safety of my speeding car. That when I pass Wood Ranch I drool profusely. That despite my efforts my midsection has a mind of its own and has a tendency to migrate outwards as opposed to being more like a 180 degree line I yearn for. However I am willing to accept these.
Things I can help.
Thankfully I have a filter that modifies most of my thoughts. I can also help my breath in the morning with the assistance of mouthwash/toothpaste. I’m also good at persuading you in the direction I think would most benefit me.
Things other people can’t help.
Other people can’t help pointing out when someone publicly “messes up.” Other people can’t help the overwhelming compulsion to steel animals on Saturday’s from Petsmart. Other people can’t help having just one Lays potato chip.
Things other people can help.
Other people can help NOT sharing pointless stories during class time, and for that matter in the check out line. Other people can also help not being obnoxious at all hours, but more importantly the hours I dedicate for sleeping. Last but not least others can help others by sticking together like a buddy system to insure the system has a strong firewall against nonsense.
Some confessions I need to get off my chest:
I can no longer fit into 12 of my 15 pairs of jeans. Leggings, Jeggings, and sweats sound like a feasible option, but shopping sounds better.
I am currently going through a “anything Mexican Goes” phase. Food, language, sipping tequila, summer vacation packages, and unfortunately getting hot sauce on every white shirt I own.
I am experiencing a lack of motivation towards school, in direct correlation with the amount of frustration I feel when my alarm goes off in the morning.
I am unfortunately familiar with the locations of non 24 hour food establishments.
Box wine is still somewhat of a mystery to me.
I am not ruling out being Natalie Portman’s birth coach.
I think that steeling an avocado should not be a felony. (in the state of California)
I’m not one for spending much time at a Jiffy Lube on a Saturday afternoon.
I need a pedicure.
I aspire to one day rent a Honda Odyssey while vacationing in Maine.
3 remotes for 1 machine pisses me off.
Febreze Thai Dragon Fruit smells like Heaven on Earth.
There is a strong possibility that I have reptilian DNA.
I don’t like that we are limited to mechanical livestock, and I am pushing for mechanical small desert animals.
So in summation I feel better, and to quote my soon to be good friend Tina “This made no sense to me, probably because I speak English and have never had a head injury.”
Sunday, April 3, 2011
You know you spend to much time in Oxnard when......
1.)¾ of the Ralphs parking lot is closed off for a hydraulics car show complete with astroturf and trophies.
2.)The characters who stand on the corner and sell the Ventura County star are actual characters…….(never the same costumes)
3.) The Alberstons shopping center on North Ventura Road has fully supplied you with enough business cards for dent repair, radio stations, and pet grooming services.
4.) More energy went into making the intricate shelving inside the rug van on the corner of Gonzales and Victoria than the actual rugs themselves.
5.) You have personally been let down more than once by O.P.D.
6.) You spend more time on the cross roads near Rose Avenue than any other roads.
7.) The Esplenade Target wreaks so bad of popcorn that when you get in your car, you too smell like popcorn.
8.) You have driven through Colonia (daytime) just to “check things out.”
9.) You have seen entire families eating lunch at Costco.
10.) Every bus stop has a gang name scratched into the bench.
11.) No doubt 3 immediate street names come to mind when lookin to “score.”
12.) The Saviors Road Urgent Care is so outrageous that people get sick by just waiting.
13.) The side streets by Oxnard College all poop you out in different directions.
14.) You need a 4 wheel drive vehicle to make it through Victoria after a moderate rain.
15.) There is a constant stream of Road Work which are ironically plagued with “Share the Road” signs.
16.) Every street name is either a letter, number, or a flower.
17.) Park BBQ’s are family reunions.
18.) Q Club is where you go to watch a fight...or to get into one.
19.) You have waited more than 45 minutes more than once to eat at BJ’s.
20.) You drive to Ventura/Camarillo to “get out of town”
21.) The Walgreens on Vineyard and Oxnard is one of the most diverse businesses since the DMV.
22.) The Strawberry/Salsa festivals are so densely populated that there is an actual need for a constant bus service to and from the parking lot.
23.) Pacifica High School looks more like a college than a high school.
24.) Nobody realized how much Rice Avenue was actually used until it was closed.
25.) Wal-Mart and Sam’s in the same shopping center = disaster.
26.) Before you venture outside, you know when the fields have been fertilized.
27.) Driving on Harbor right after the Ventura River makes your eyes water.
28.) The only actual place you can shop at in the Seabirdge Shopping Center is Vons.
29.) The New Toppers trumps all other Toppers ever built.
30.) Chic Fa La is worth sitting through 4 light rotations.
31.) St. Johns gift shop sold Horchata in Pink and Blue baby bottles.
32.) The purple candles with Jesus/Mary decals are always sold out. (only the purple ones)
33.) Wagon Wheel looks like a meth lab explosion.
34.) Olive Garden endless salad and breadsticks is why there is always a 20+minute wait.
35.) You have gotten more fresh produce from the side of the road over any grocery store.
2.)The characters who stand on the corner and sell the Ventura County star are actual characters…….(never the same costumes)
3.) The Alberstons shopping center on North Ventura Road has fully supplied you with enough business cards for dent repair, radio stations, and pet grooming services.
4.) More energy went into making the intricate shelving inside the rug van on the corner of Gonzales and Victoria than the actual rugs themselves.
5.) You have personally been let down more than once by O.P.D.
6.) You spend more time on the cross roads near Rose Avenue than any other roads.
7.) The Esplenade Target wreaks so bad of popcorn that when you get in your car, you too smell like popcorn.
8.) You have driven through Colonia (daytime) just to “check things out.”
9.) You have seen entire families eating lunch at Costco.
10.) Every bus stop has a gang name scratched into the bench.
11.) No doubt 3 immediate street names come to mind when lookin to “score.”
12.) The Saviors Road Urgent Care is so outrageous that people get sick by just waiting.
13.) The side streets by Oxnard College all poop you out in different directions.
14.) You need a 4 wheel drive vehicle to make it through Victoria after a moderate rain.
15.) There is a constant stream of Road Work which are ironically plagued with “Share the Road” signs.
16.) Every street name is either a letter, number, or a flower.
17.) Park BBQ’s are family reunions.
18.) Q Club is where you go to watch a fight...or to get into one.
19.) You have waited more than 45 minutes more than once to eat at BJ’s.
20.) You drive to Ventura/Camarillo to “get out of town”
21.) The Walgreens on Vineyard and Oxnard is one of the most diverse businesses since the DMV.
22.) The Strawberry/Salsa festivals are so densely populated that there is an actual need for a constant bus service to and from the parking lot.
23.) Pacifica High School looks more like a college than a high school.
24.) Nobody realized how much Rice Avenue was actually used until it was closed.
25.) Wal-Mart and Sam’s in the same shopping center = disaster.
26.) Before you venture outside, you know when the fields have been fertilized.
27.) Driving on Harbor right after the Ventura River makes your eyes water.
28.) The only actual place you can shop at in the Seabirdge Shopping Center is Vons.
29.) The New Toppers trumps all other Toppers ever built.
30.) Chic Fa La is worth sitting through 4 light rotations.
31.) St. Johns gift shop sold Horchata in Pink and Blue baby bottles.
32.) The purple candles with Jesus/Mary decals are always sold out. (only the purple ones)
33.) Wagon Wheel looks like a meth lab explosion.
34.) Olive Garden endless salad and breadsticks is why there is always a 20+minute wait.
35.) You have gotten more fresh produce from the side of the road over any grocery store.
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