"I grew up in this Costco"-water/eggs

I love going grocery shopping (clearly) Part of my past job was almost a kind of personal shopper. When I pictured a “personal shopper” I thought of someone super famous being so busy that they need to hire someone to pick out stuff that they think they would like, which I always thought was kinda stupid because 95% of it gets returned? Hellooooo online shopping!! I like to shop, but I have to be in the mood (clothes) food…..I’m pretty much always in the mood for that. I have 2 grocery stores within walking distance from my house, which I usually drive to. Its not the getting there part worries me about it’s the walking back with heavy donkey packed arms that I worry about. I never really understood those generic phrases before, about everyday things, like literally hitting every red light, takes one to know one, etc. Now I know why people say it because it happens all the time and I find myself using those phrases on a frequent basis. Its part of that “adult” life that everyone seems to be in such a hurry to get to. I can walk into any store and leave with 8 things…..none of which I came in for. I don’t even have an excuse as to how I forgot to get it either. No kids, no important phone call during the time of the crime, and generally not out of stock. I am just that much of a grade A mess. (like the eggs I just purchased) I like to scope people out at the grocery store too, (could contribute to part of my purchasing amnesia) For instance if there is a really cute guy, I’m not saying I will follow him to scope out what’s in his basket (guys never seem to push carts), however I’m also not prepared to say I wont. Then by chance he notices I’m (stocking pun intended) him we will have a flirtatious conversation surrounding our love for pb’j and mac n cheese, and live happily ever after. Everyone will ask us how we met and we can both tilt our heads up and back laughing about our carb craving frenzy turned into a life time of bliss. (it can happen!)
A crowd favorite “are you finding everything ok?” usually by asked by someone who’s eyes say “my parents made me get a job.” As I meander through all the isles slowly (unless it’s the feminine care isle in which case I book it through already knowing the exact shelf level and location of my box of tricks) I recently got over the phase of shoving them to the bottom of my cart only to be hidden by whatever Pillsburry 2 for $5.00 baked goods were on sale that week. On that note I can confidently say that I have never looked at anything “healthy” and thought to myself “oh hey what a good deal.” Its always the stuff that’s bad for you that is constantly on sale, that I exercise a somewhat heroic amount of willpower over buying. Only to walk in next time and see the same ol’ sutff on sale yet again. Now I don’t want to put Vons or Paulette down, but what’s with the Hello my name is Paulette since 1978 BS? I just feel bad for her, like really Paulette its 2011 is Vons really worth it? I can’t even imagine loving Vons that much…….That’s a solid 33 year dedication right there. (Paulette if your reading this YOU GO GURRLLLFRIEND!)Then there is the whole self check out mystery for some. Its just not a good situation. The lady trapped inside the scanner who is constantly yelling at you (probably pissed at Paulette for beating her to the 30 yr mark) “WELCOME PLEASE SCAN YOUR FIRST ITEM!!!!!” I always yell back at her. Which causes somewhat of a scene, and the whole “HAVE YOU SCANED YOUR REWARDS CARD YET?!?!?!” It’s dangerous grounds especially for a rookie. If I have a load then I will go so no doubt a heavy breather can stand 2 inches behind me as I unload my cart onto the belt. Where Prozac Mark can ask me if I “found everything I was looking for mam”….Uhm yes I found everything except a short cut so I don’t have to put up with you and your questions that end in a higher decimal than my loudest scream is how I would like to respond. However I just stick with the “yes I did thank you” straight forward to the point. “Would you like help out today” is the next bullet I try to dodge, (it is a nice offer, but I’ve already come this far)which is usually asked by a Katie type. (would be cute if she washed off the 3 lbs of eye-liner, blush, and ditched the chipped deep purple/blue nail polish and spit out the wad of gum distorting her left cheek.) Please define the help you can offer me today…….How about how can I help you? Get in my trunk no questions asked and I’ll take you to the nearest bus stop so you can get outta town.

(I don’t really hate Vons that much, or Paulette…..Katie if your out there I can help)